I want to write so much, but somehow I just can’t manage to write all of it down. I guess there’s just too much chaos in my head right now, even though was feeling better lately. Now I’ve slipped back into depression though and I’m self harming again. I’m just not at all happy with myself. I feel like such a failure constantly. I have achieved absolutely nothing in the 25 years I’ve been on this earth. I feel so useless, I can never seem to do anything right.
The last 2 weeks or so I’ve been very restless, not being able to sit still at all. I just felt like I had to keep busy constantly. Then I suddenly went back to feeling so depressed I’m barely able to do anything at all. I’m really struggling with this change and I’m not sure what to think of it. I tried to find an obvious reason for the sudden change, but I just can’t come up with anything specific. It’s really bothering me to be honest.
I’m feeling worse every day now it seems and I don’t know what to do. I should tell my parents, but I still can’t. I just don’t want to talk to them about this, even though I have the most amazing parents I could wish for. They’re supportive and caring. So why can’t I tell them? I don’t know. It literally terrifies me and I’ve been avoiding them more as well. I feel so bad about hiding things from them once again. I’m such an awful daughter, they don’t deserve all the stress and worrying.
I can’t see my therapists until November 13th. The wait is too long. Though I’m starting to doubt if it’ll even help me if I see them. I’m not getting the right treatment. Why is it so hard to give me a proper diagnosis that actually fits with my symptoms, so that I can get the right treatment? I don’t get it.