Things are only getting harder and harder lately. I’ve not heard anything back from any of the nurses about the letter I gave them. It’s making me really anxious and I’m starting to think they’ve just thrown it away. I’m not important here, I know that very well. They probably haven’t read any of it.
The last few days I’ve been sinking deeper into this pit of despair. I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s really what it feels like. I’ve told the nurses I’m suicidal and they say I should come talk to them, but they just say I need to distract myself. I’m way past that stage.
Two days one of the nurses found me in the bathroom, cutting. She was really nice about it though. Saw a doctor as well, but they decided (as usual) that I can do this myself just fine.
NO, I CAN’T!
I came here because I need some serious help right now. I’m not in control of myself (none of us are) and I need them to take that control for a while, so I can get back up. Which is exactly what they refuse to do though.
I don’t know how many times I have to tell them I’m suicidal. I don’t know how many times I have to tell them the voices are winning. I don’t know how many times they’ll end up finding me covered in blood, cuts and burn wounds. I don’t know how many more times they’ll say I can do it alone just fine after that. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive..
Two nights ago I got stitches. Last night I cut pretty deep again, but just left it bleeding. I burned my hand under hot water from the tap and burned my wrist with the hot tap itself. They were supposed to check up on me multiple times, but never did. I didn’t feel like talking to either of the nurses, because I feel like they don’t take me seriously at all.
In the meantime I’m just falling to pieces. The voices are too strong for me to push away and ignore. Amelia and Sam are helping me, but it’s not enough anymore.
They’re all screaming at me to hurt myself, to mutilate myself, even. Like cutting my ear off or stabbing myself in the eyes. They want me to kill myself, in any way possible. All the time. I can’t fight anymore.
Today I woke up with leg pains and very strong urges to self harm. Managed to get up and take my meds. Apparently I missed the day opening group stuff, which one of the nurses was quite angry about. So I just crawled back into bed and I never want to face the world again.
Today is not going to end well. We all feel it. Running away might be an option, though no idea how far we’ll get. Otherwise, it’s going to be a bloody, hot, painful mess I’m afraid. None of us can stop it anymore and they all refuse to help me properly.. I’m not worth it.
So be it. We’ve tried. We’ve fought. We’ve all asked for extra help.
Now, we all feel like it’s too late.
~ ~ ~
Just had a meeting with my doctor and my therapist from before I went inpatient. I hoped they would be more understanding, but I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. They’ve just crushed my final hope of getting the extra help that I need. I’ve fallen too deep for me to be able to stand up again, alone, and move on. I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing will get me help. I’ve said so many times that I’ll kill myself if I (manage to) get out of this unit somehow, but they don’t care. I’ve said so many times that I need more supervision, because I can’t control myself. They just keep me here, tell me to distract myself and leave me to self harm.
This talk I just had, was the last drop. I’m not even kidding. Tonight, it’s done. I don’t know if I’ll try to run away or slice myself open, but it will be either of those. With an added dose of burns, first. I can’t do this, I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I know it’s weak, I know it’s so fucking stupid, but I need someone to keep me safe for now. Which no one else seems to find neccesary. Fine. Don’t put me in a closed unit? I’m outta here.
Fuck you all and thanks for nothing, idiots. Now I don’t even know why I bothered to come here.