Things are only getting harder and harder lately. I’ve not heard anything back from any of the nurses about the letter I gave them. It’s making me really anxious and I’m starting to think they’ve just thrown it away. I’m not important here, I know that very well. They probably haven’t read any of it.
The last few days I’ve been sinking deeper into this pit of despair. I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s really what it feels like. I’ve told the nurses I’m suicidal and they say I should come talk to them, but they just say I need to distract myself. I’m way past that stage.
Two days one of the nurses found me in the bathroom, cutting. She was really nice about it though. Saw a doctor as well, but they decided (as usual) that I can do this myself just fine.
NO, I CAN’T!
I came here because I need some serious help right now. I’m not in control of myself (none of us are) and I need them to take that control for a while, so I can get back up. Which is exactly what they refuse to do though.
I don’t know how many times I have to tell them I’m suicidal. I don’t know how many times I have to tell them the voices are winning. I don’t know how many times they’ll end up finding me covered in blood, cuts and burn wounds. I don’t know how many more times they’ll say I can do it alone just fine after that. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be alive..
Two nights ago I got stitches. Last night I cut pretty deep again, but just left it bleeding. I burned my hand under hot water from the tap and burned my wrist with the hot tap itself. They were supposed to check up on me multiple times, but never did. I didn’t feel like talking to either of the nurses, because I feel like they don’t take me seriously at all.
In the meantime I’m just falling to pieces. The voices are too strong for me to push away and ignore. Amelia and Sam are helping me, but it’s not enough anymore.
They’re all screaming at me to hurt myself, to mutilate myself, even. Like cutting my ear off or stabbing myself in the eyes. They want me to kill myself, in any way possible. All the time. I can’t fight anymore.
Today I woke up with leg pains and very strong urges to self harm. Managed to get up and take my meds. Apparently I missed the day opening group stuff, which one of the nurses was quite angry about. So I just crawled back into bed and I never want to face the world again.
Today is not going to end well. We all feel it. Running away might be an option, though no idea how far we’ll get. Otherwise, it’s going to be a bloody, hot, painful mess I’m afraid. None of us can stop it anymore and they all refuse to help me properly.. I’m not worth it.
So be it. We’ve tried. We’ve fought. We’ve all asked for extra help.
Now, we all feel like it’s too late.
~ ~ ~
Just had a meeting with my doctor and my therapist from before I went inpatient. I hoped they would be more understanding, but I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. They’ve just crushed my final hope of getting the extra help that I need. I’ve fallen too deep for me to be able to stand up again, alone, and move on. I don’t know what to say anymore. Nothing will get me help. I’ve said so many times that I’ll kill myself if I (manage to) get out of this unit somehow, but they don’t care. I’ve said so many times that I need more supervision, because I can’t control myself. They just keep me here, tell me to distract myself and leave me to self harm.
This talk I just had, was the last drop. I’m not even kidding. Tonight, it’s done. I don’t know if I’ll try to run away or slice myself open, but it will be either of those. With an added dose of burns, first. I can’t do this, I’m sorry, but I just can’t. I know it’s weak, I know it’s so fucking stupid, but I need someone to keep me safe for now. Which no one else seems to find neccesary. Fine. Don’t put me in a closed unit? I’m outta here.
Fuck you all and thanks for nothing, idiots. Now I don’t even know why I bothered to come here.
I know it doesn’t help to know that I understand, but I understand. As someone who’s been there, and will likely be there again, please don’t give up.
The doctors wll not engage with you if you focus only on the struggle.
You have got to want to be better, but it takes a lot of work too. Using self-harm and your suicidal ideation to try to get a response from them won’t achieve anything either. (It is obviously good to share this information with them, and not keep it to yourself)
However! You would be better off talking to them about ways you can stop self-harming and ways of overcoming the suicidal thoughts because once they realise you are focussed on recovery and not giving in to the hopelessness of the illness they will know you can engage and respond to the psychotherapy which would be so beneficial to you.
All this is better as an outpatient, trust me, you don’t want ot be in hospital too long. It does nothing for the treatment of BPD in the long run and you’ve got to focus on the long run as much as you can, not just each momentary struggle.As difficult as it is.
There is nothing a hospital nurse will be able to do to take away your suicidal thoughts, you have to actively engage in a programme designed to help yourself and you won’t get that in hospital.
You could read my post about BPD because there might be something in there that could help you. I’m further along in the recovery process than you are but I know how you feel- they are not against you but they have techniques for dealing with BPD which can sometimes be hurtful, or seem confusing, especially if you’re in crisis. I don’t expect you to like the blog, or even get through it as it’s quite long, but if you do and you listen to what I say you might genuinely benefit from doing so.
Best of luck!
I have been trying to talk to them about finding alternatives to self harm etc. They won’t help me with that, I need to do everything alone, which I can’t do right now. It’s just.. Never mind.
“I have suicidal ideation and thoughts of self-harm daily, i find it increasingly difficult not to act on these thoughts and feel I am often at crisis poiint. Please can you help me as soon as possible because it is making my life very difficult?” …Yes they can help you.
“I’m suicidal and if you don’t help me right now i’m going to cut myself. Nobody can help me, nobody will help me.” …No, not if you won’t help yourself.
I have suicidal and self-harm thoughts daily too and I enjoy my life; i’m getting help from the professionals because now I know how to ask for the help I really need. Like I said, good luck.
Incidentally, you are not alone, there are dozens of people on wordpress alone who know exactly how you feel and will talk to you. I will talk to you anytime, I will offer you advice which I think might actually help you and you have my sympathy but just saying “Poor you” over again will not actually help so I don’t bother with that. if you ever need to talk or better yet if you ever want to listen by all means give me a shout.